Surrogacy part 6: Magic 8

S: After the 6-week scan, I was overcome for a few days with the most amazing positive feeling, which definitely scared me. I was almost too frightened to visualise that baby with it being so early, but it became impossible not to daydream. 

E: I loved that we were starting to feel a sense of a smooth ride. It had been so bumpy or at least on edge until now. But now everything was out of our hands, and all we had left to do was enjoy this positive feeling!

S: I often wonder what it’s like to be naive to conception and fertility and go from taking a positive pregnancy test to a 12-week scan with nothing in between. Although I guess I was naive at some point. There was no way I could wait another 6 weeks until an NHS scan, so I booked Em in for another one at 8 weeks, and this time it was in Glasgow. The Halls were still travelling around Scotland for another couple of weeks. 

E: I was always going to be happy to do scans when S&J wanted to, and I knew these early weeks would probably mean a few just to help keep their minds at rest. With Mollie, I had an early scan (mainly on Soph’s advice), and with Theo, we waited until 12 weeks and only had one more at 20 weeks. So it was pretty nice having these reassuring ones booked in!

S: A few days before the scan Em messaged and asked if we could move it forward as their travel plans had adjusted slightly. We changed it to the next day when we would be just under 8 weeks. To be honest the sooner the better as Jack and I were going away to Sicily so it was good we would see what was going on before we went. 

E: I dropped James and the kids off at a nearby park (google maps was our saviour so we could see what was close to the scan clinic to entertain them whilst I went in!). I went in and was greeted by the loveliest ladies- and offered tea and cake straight away. I obviously accepted- hot tea and cake all to myself yes please!! I wasn’t nervous at all- nothing had happened for me to think anything was untoward so I really went in there feeling like it was just a routine appointment. But Soph bless her was feeling very different at the other end of the country!

S: For 12 days since the last scan I’d managed to stay pretty calm with more hours spent feeling positive rather than anxious, however the morning of the scan I definitely started having a panic attack. I tried to catch my breath and calm myself as I walked from my boxing class back home to be with Jack for the call. I arrived home and I couldn’t stop my hands shaking. I genuinely felt like I was going to pass out. My gut said everything would be ok but a part of my brain was still visualising them saying ‘Sorry there is no longer a heartbeat’. 

E: I explained our situation to the sonographer (always such a happy story to tell and we ended up talking for a fair few minutes before actually scanning!) and then once we saw the little jelly bean floating away happily, we carried on chatting about how exciting it all was!! She was giving quite a lot of details so I didn’t want to stop filming as I wanted S&J to hear all of it!

S: Jack and I got a message from Em saying she was in the scan room. We had decided that it worked so well her videoing it last time that we would do it that way again. 12 minutes went past and I said to Jack it’s bad news isn’t it and she doesn’t know how to tell us. So I called her….

E: I then got a call from Soph and felt awful as I hadn’t realised that 12 minutes had passed- which of course felt like eternity for them!! 

S: Em picked up and said ‘Sorry all ok she was just having a really good check around and we got chatting’ 😂. The heartbeat was still there and the baby had grown and was measuring bang on 8 weeks. The happiness that overcame my tense body was unreal. 8 weeks! Em sent the video to us and it was incredible. The nurse was pointing to the head and bum and although we didn’t quite know what we were looking at, we still had a growing baby!! 

E: Again, the BEST news to deliver to your besties. All was well and we were all on track. Onwards and upwards little jelly bean! 

S: That day mum and I popped into town and I allowed myself to buy a little teddy that I had walked past and stared at for 5 years in a little gift shop. I didn’t want to jinx anything but my brother said to me that I had to enjoy the moment because I wouldn’t get it back again and everyone knows I’m a tad obsessed with pandas 🐼. It was my first and only purchase I would allow for a while anyway. 

E: I totally agreed with Sophs lovely brother that Soph should 100% be enjoying these moments. She sent us the pic of the panda and I told the little bean that mummy had started shopping already!! 

S: People have said to me ‘Wow you’re so open at such an early stage’ and part of me was always fearful of being like this, however it’s a lot more common in other countries to share pregnancy news before 12 weeks to have extra support if anything were to go wrong. It’s important women and men don’t feel alone going through it and I guess in our situation the more positive prayers from people the better! 

The only challenging thing about writing this blog for me has been people saying congratulations when they see us or saying it to our family. That might sound silly but as much as everyone’s intentions are so lovely and I’m so grateful for the support, I find it really hard to accept a congratulations so early in the pregnancy. It doesn’t feel real to me and I’m not sure when it will. But I’ll definitely feel more comfortable talking about it in person hopefully after 12 weeks. 

E: I love that everyone is being so positive about all of this- I know that can be hard for S&J but do believe these words and feelings of encouragement go a long long way. A couple of our closest friends check in to see how I am almost daily- and especially on scan days which I appreciate more than they’ll ever know! I’ve had such beautiful messages of thanks and appreciation from friends and S&Js family- I find it funny getting these messages for a moment (just because it really isn’t something I’m doing for any kind of gratitude) but I also know how much they all want it for them- so I do understand why they say it too! We’re all in this together after all. 

S: Next step is another 2 week wait and then Em is back home and we have a 10 week scan booked in. This will be the first time Jack and I go to a scan to see our baby ❤️